It's normal to have occasional doubts or insecurities in a relationship. After all, relationships are complex and require constant work and effort. Am I with the right person? Do I really love them? These are questions that have crossed the minds of most. However, if you are consumed by such questions, if these doubts have become overwhelming, intrusive, and perhaps irrational, then you may have a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder called Relationship OCD (R- OCD).
So, what is the difference between normal relationship doubt, and the pathological doubt of R-OCD? To understand that, let’s first take a small detour to talk about an unusual theory of OCD itself. Most psychologists believe that OCD is driven by core intolerance of uncertainty. The OCD prone mind, unlike others, seeks 100 percent certainty. For example, it might seek absolute certainty that one remembered to shut the stovetop by repeatedly checking. Or certainty that ‘that bump’ while driving was not actually an accidental hit and run, by driving repeatedly around the block and checking. According to this theory, people with OCD are not inherently less certain than others, they have more need for certainty, and this is what causes the symptoms of OCD.
However, Reuven Dar, PhD, of Tel Aviv University, has proposed a fascinating alternative theory about OCD. He suggests that people with OCD are actually less certain. This is caused by difficulty in sensing or intuiting one's own feelings or internal states. Whereas the person without OCD can sense the memory of having shut the stove, or sense the feeling of not having struck a pedestrian, people with OCD are not able to sense these. Therefore, they look for proxies, or external evidence, that they shut the gas, that they did not hit a pedestrian, and so on, to compensate for the absence of intuition.
The Cause of Relationship OCD
A vivid illustration of this absence of intuition is found in R-OCD. When someone with Relationship OCD experiences intrusive doubts, they often try to "figure out" how they feel about their partner, since they don’t intuit this clearly. This can involve excessive rumination, analyzing every detail of their interactions, rehearsing earlier memories of the relationship, or seeking reassurance from their partner- all in order to find clues about how they feel. Despite these extensive efforts, they remain just as uncertain about how they feel. While the mainstream theory has a different explanation of R-OCD, it's worth highlighting the proxy theory because it points to a characteristic difference between R-OCD and non- pathological doubt.
The Difference Between Normal Doubt and Relationship OCD
So, while it's common to question the state of your relationship in a more general way, R-OCD is often characterized specifically by doubts about whether you have the “right” feelings, and extensive efforts to figure out or prove this to yourself. A few more hints that you may have R-OCD:
Intrusive doubts: The doubts feel like unwanted thoughts that pop into your head, often against your will.
Intolerable and irrational: The doubts are experienced as unbearable and illogical, even though you know they don't make sense.
Urgent need for resolution: There's a strong compulsion to resolve these doubts immediately, often through excessive reassurance-seeking or checking behaviors.
The Mainstream Theory
As mentioned, the predominant theory is different, and suggests that the overwhelming need for certainty in OCD is at the root of all OCD symptoms. So, why do people with R-OCD feel so confused about how they feel? Let's do a little more theory- let’s talk about System 1 and System 2 thinking, made famous by Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman in his book, Thinking Fast and Thinking Slow:
System 1: This is our intuitive, emotional thinking. It's fast, automatic, and often relies on gut feelings.
System 2: This is our deliberate, rational thinking. It's slower, more effortful, and involves conscious reasoning.
The thing is, when System 2 is active, it shuts down System 1. System 1 knows how to ride a bike. If you think really hard (System 2) about the steps of riding while riding, you won't do it very well, because System 1 (the good rider) is being shut down. In common speech, you are overthinking things! In Relationship OCD, individuals often become overly reliant on System 2 thinking. Normal relationship doubts often provoke excessive overthinking, which can displace intuition. The constant effort to analyze and understand feelings interferes with the natural flow of emotions. They then try harder to analyze and rationalize their feelings, which can make it even harder to access their gut instincts. This creates a vicious cycle, as individuals with R-OCD become increasingly reliant on System 2 thinking to try to make sense of their doubts, further distancing themselves from their intuitive feelings.
Breaking Free from the Cycle
If you suspect you may have Relationship OCD, it's important to seek professional help. Therapy, such as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be highly effective in managing symptoms. In particular, a form of CBT called ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) can help you:
Recognize intrusive thoughts and learn to tolerate doubt.
Reduce avoidance and compulsive thinking and behavior, and engage in activities that promote emotional well-being.
Develop coping strategies for managing distress.
Decrease over thinking and increase your ability to rely on intuition
Remember, you don't have to suffer alone. With the right support, you can break free from the cycle of Relationship OCD and live a more fulfilling life.